Mentoring is the highest form of self-actualization in the hierarchy of needs of executives. Especially for those of us who have failed to earn our glory through our guts, or stripes through our sweat. But alas, we confuse mentoring with advising (Our English teachers, dictionaries and Roget's thesaurus have to share the responsibility of this heinous crime, but we will not mix issues here)

So most of the time, we believe the easiest path for us to be part of a success story (if not script it or be the protagonist) is by strewing unsolicited advice to whoever crosses our path. We can then take vicarious pleasure, once they succeed, in telling the world, that "I told her to take that assignment" or "I advised him not to…". You know.

Though the strategy is sound, it is not fool-proof. Since most of us are unable to distinguish between calamity and opportunity, more often than not we end up with a biff in our face and a flea in our ear. From those we seek out to advice.

Lot of times, we end up rushing to advice those who are under severe mental and physical stress (Working late hours, missed out on promotion, no invite to boss's house warming party, ….). Not advisable. The reasons are not far behind to see.

Unsolicited advice delivered post-facto, is the unkindest cut of all the worthy words that ever cross the lips of self-appointed, supposedly well meaning well-wishers. It thrives on misery. It is the proverbial salt rubbed on one's wounds; the grating sandpaper scrubbed into their sensitive soul.

Most of the hapless parties are so deep into their own desolation at the time that it is shoveled into their ears; they fail to recognize the goodness in the advice. Anger and the loss of whatever it is they lost clouds their discerning power.

And to worsen the matters, they may even feel (mistakenly so, for you and I know the truth) the adviser (you, or me) is invariably a peer who has reaped the benefits from that which they have lost. Or we have a safety-net or a mighty big nest-egg. And we may be inwardly laughing at their state of affairs safe in our cozy comfort.

Whatever be the reason, they sport a hurt-look. They show one finger or the mighty fist and storm out of our presence. Sometimes they may even stay put and condescend to counter advice on the likely nooks and crannies we can shove our advice in.

I used to be a Flash Gordon, wearing my mantle of a mentor, in rushing to the rescue of such colleagues in bereavement earlier. Now I play Houdini. Why, you ask? Read on.

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One rainy day a primate, all wet and shivering, took shelter under a tree waiting for the shower to stop so that it can go about its monkey business.

The tree was a safe-haven to many a chirping bird who have built their nests and stored their customary nuts and fruits just for such a day. They nestled in their warm beds, feeding their kids, kissing their mates or having a go at a nutritious seed with their sharp beaks. Most of the birds cast a lazy or disdainful look towards the simian, but none stirred from their respective places to extend a helping hand. Save one sparrow.

The lowliest of the creatures seizing the chance to do its bit of good deed, looked at the quivering monkey and proceeded to offer its words of wisdom thus.

Sparrow In Nest (SIN): "Hey, how are you feeling?"

Wet and shivering primate (WASP): "What do you think?" (Baring its teeth)

SIN: "Just asking. You know, you should have built a nest or something like the rest of us"

WASP: "gggrrrrrr…….".

SIN: "I mean, you know it rains every year. You can see that don't you? You could have saved yourself on this rainy day, and many such in future"

WASP: "GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR" (gesticulating wildly)

SIN: "I have lot of fruits and nuts stored in my nest. I sweated, flew far and wide, gathered from this tree and that. You can climb trees can't you? You could have done it too"

WASP: "YES. And here I come"

SIN: "kkkkkkkeeeeeeeeechhhhhhh..Hey what the….eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" (furious flutter of wings. A bit of a struggle)

Thud (Sound of a limp body hitting the ground)

Scrunch. Scrunch. Scrunch. (Sound of sharp teeth digging into scrumptious and juicy fruits)

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If you sin by rushing into giving unsolicited advice, you get stung. Fatally so.

So listen all you mentors in the making. Take my advice and desist from advising. Kapish?

Art of making impactful Elevator Speech – Wise minister learns the hard way

For long we struggled at it. Making the most profitable elevator speech. We knew its necessity and importance. We read about the spectacular successes. We bowed our heads in reverence. To the lucky few who made it. We invested in self-help tomes. Reserved premium seats in Gurus' lectures.

But never got within whiffing distance. Of the sweet smell of success.

We know the science behind it. Any Elevator moment has 6 components. In the following manner, to speak:

Sender – script – space – sucker – serendipity – spoils

Sender – the one fighting for spoils

Script – what to say to succeed

Space – appropriate place to amplify impact (neither restroom, nor any crowded place)

Sucker – impressionable and naïve head honcho. He always makes the first move - A smile, a salutation, a nod.

Serendipity – Tongue willing, Knees not buckling. A strong wit to carpe diem.

Spoils – your pie in the sky

One is you, six is given. Two - you had in back-pocket; nestling along with your resignation letter. Three - you buttered secretary for routine. Four - is a slippery moving target. Five - your nemesis, your Achilles' heel. Or so you rationalized your failures.

But we forget speech isn't science. It's a sublime form of art. And that's what I discovered recently. Here it is, for your benefit.

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Long time ago, a small yet prosperous kingdom was ruled by a large hearted king. He was loved very much by his harem and coterie and by the hardworking subjects, usually on the king's birthday (aka Annual Ostentatious Party (AOP)), when the bars and eateries were thrown open through the day.

The king was insulated from the day-to-day affairs, by the harem and coterie (H&C), whose writ ran over the court's proceedings. The king had a wise minister who brought some sanity and justness to the proceedings. This one was a misfit, who hallucinated about a welfare state, where all the subjects were justly ruled. And the riches, a product of the sweat and toil of the subjects, distributed equitably amongst them. He was forever creating vision statements and great strategies (or so he thought) to execute them.

This didn't go well with the H&C who continually pitched in the need to get rid of a righteous and conscientious pest. King, though irritated endless, indulged the minister. For though myopic, he wasn't a novice in the state-craft which required a benign and grey-front to ensure rebellious and fiery voices subside.

Still perseverance wouldn't have been given such a high purchase if it didn't have its merits.

One day the king had to decide between one of the two following proposals:

• AOP budgets put forward by the H&C and
  
• Tax-holiday for the subjects who faced a severe drought that year, proposed by his minister
  

The arguments were compelling from both sides:

H&C: Hunting. We can go far away and indulge, with none getting any wiser. We don't have to put up with the entire population clamoring for crumbs

Minister: There may be riots and lynching if we try squeezing pennies from the already impoverished lot

H&C: If we don't celebrate in downtime, we will get into a depression. Stimulate the economy by spending more

Minister: Love, affection, prayers, blah blah blah blah.

The king was wavering. Visions of rebellion and riots blurred the bacchanalian revelries. He needed a moment and a divine inspiration. He looked outside the palace window for and saw a travel-weary tradesman resting under a tree. This could be it. He will ask both the minister and the C to go out and find out about the tradesman and report back. This will give him the much needed respite to think.

The minister came back gasping. "The neighboring kingdom is going to attack us soon" he cried out!

"What?" said the king in disbelief. He thought himself to be a big-picture man but this is beyond his wildest imagination to grasp

"The tradesman is from a faraway land. He sold all his wares in the neighboring kingdom made a huge profit and returning to his land. The people in that kingdom are all happy with the king and are with him in his plans to expand his boundaries. While walking through our kingdom he found people miserable and talking about the prosperity and the peaceful environment of the kingdom next door. They were contemplating life under that king….." He could have gone further, logically laying out a compelling reason-why the invasion is imminent and therefore what immediate measures the king could take.

But he was cut-short in the middle of his statement by the booming voice of the coterie who swaggered in with two bags of gold-coins.

"Here, are the proceeds of the sales. Will come in handy, while hiring jugglers and clowns. As for the trader, he is no longer alive to protest" (Snigger)

The next day, the hunting party comprising of the H&C and a decisive and happy king left the palace.

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One doesn't know what fate had in store for the minister. Whether he joined the neighboring king, or was fed to crocodiles by the present master or he left the materialistic world and moved onto become a hermit; I can't say.

One thing is for sure. In his eagerness to present a big-picture and make an elevator speech that will impact the people at large; he forgot a simple fact.

Logic doesn't work when you have 30 seconds to make the other person decide. Your speech/arguments should be one of immediate benefits delivered in a hard hitting manner. Say how and how much it will have to add to the coffers. Paint a picture of what you can do with it.

It's an art to accomplish such a job. Only a few possess it.

I know my limitations and am content climbing steps. And I have enough logic to convince myself that it helps me fight cholesterol and keep fit.

The blokes who use offer letters as an instrument for negotiating a better deal (and get it) are more sinned against than sinning.

Wait. Hold your horses. Do not curse me yet. I haven't switched sides. I am still firmly with the fraternity of failed fools. For life.

You would have heaved a sigh of relief when you heard it first. That the colleague who was your competitor has put in her papers. As the days pass by and no further gossip trickles in, you prepare for the farewell. And your own little party at home to celebrate the occasion. Then the email-bomb hits you.

That the deserter has been made VP this or GM that. The grapevine further adds to your misery. That she also got a substantial hike and a cabin with a coffee-maker.

"Blackmailer", you spit, resigned to your fate (because you cannot resign your job)

I used to be in that corner for a long time. Now I bow to the ingenuity of the cabin usurpers and cheer their achievements. Hoping one day I could emulate them.

And here is the story that changed my perspective.

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After having her back-broken (Please
refer to 7 Ps of power – Enlightenment…, it's a tad bit long, so read it at your own risk), the poor overworked donkey (POD) took a while to revert to her previous condition. The wise owl (WOW) took pity on it and advised her thus.

WOW: Don't show your eagerness to multi-task. Don't rush to finish your job ahead of schedule. Since you do not have a say on the quantum or quality of load that's put on you, bear it; but take your time. Don't be a slave to conscience.

POD: As you say, my friend. Will do all I can, to get out of this misery.

Months passed and the donkey did its daily chores, in a leisurely manner. And in the night time, where it earlier ploughed through the forage and thinking of the day ahead; it started taking lessons in prancing like a horse, standing with its forelegs in air like the dog and other such wise tricks. The WOW, having taken the ass under its wings, noted with satisfaction the progress of its protégé.

Meanwhile the master's work-life balance was getting effected. He was reaching the lake late and getting home much after the sunset. Business was increasing as there was more dirty linen and laundry to be washed, but he was not able to make most of it. He realized this and did few quick calculations, for he was good in numbers if not in employee-employer relationships. He noted that the only way to deliver more door to door and also reach home on time is to get rid of this donkey and get 2 donkeys in its place.

He told the same to his wife, got the broad's approval to sell this one and get two on board in the upcoming town fair. The day has come and pocketing good number of gold coins (for two healthy donkeys are likely to cost thrice as much as a lazy ass) the master set about to the town fair to offload the current quarry.

He met an ass broker there whose famed motto was "Right Ass on Right Seat" and left the donkey in his able hands and went about to pick up few trinkets for home before the auction of the asses began.

Knock. Knock.

The washer-man's wife opened the door and let the travel-weary guy in. Taking the bag of goodies from his hand she enquired about the day's proceedings.

Weary washer-man's wife (WWW): What happened? Struck a good deal? You seem so smug, my dear!

Smug Washer-man(SW): You bet. The broker is one of the best ass-kicking salesman (AKS) I have ever seen. He paraded our ass and extolling its virtues started the auction with 1 gold coin. 2 immediately called out someone!

WWW: Not bad for an ass that has been slow and past it's prime

SW: It was just the beginning. Our ass stood on its hind-legs and the auctioneers started whistling. 5 gold coins someone said; 10 another shouted.

WWW: Oh, don't tell me you got 10 gold coins for that dumbass. My king, my hero!

SW: Wait there's more! It then started strutting like a stud and the assembly went wild. 15, 20, 25…. Excited and agitated voices rented the place, with people falling over each other to make it their own.

WWW (Swooning): Hold on, I am about to faint. 25 gold coins…OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

BRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

A familiar and happy sounding animal cry pierced the WWW's ears.

WWW (bewildered and apprehensive): What's that?

SW (doubly smugly): It's our very own ass! I ran onto the stage and stopped the auction. Paid 35 gold coins to the AKS to buy back the same. You don't believe to what high heavens everyone praised me and congratulated me on such a steal and being a proud owner of a prized ass….

Hey, you have fainted! I too did nearly, knowing what an ass I was to be, letting go of such a worthy being!

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You may still be scratching your head wondering "what's the point"? Here is the thing.

What matters is not what you do and how well you do it or how eager you are to do more. That's not how your valuation is done. People have more faith in what price others put on you. Period.

So don't grudge the blokes who show you the path.

Focus on form than on substance. Learn a few tricks that you are not expected to possess. Put yourself in some good consultant/image-maker/spin-doctor's hands to work on your profile. Get around, get a few offers. Know what you are worth in the market.

And let your organization realize your true value.

Help them. To help yourself.

Farewell to qualms – Or how beggars can be choosers

Forget about the blue-eyed boys or boss's pets. Or people who network better than you, look smarter than you, or have superior social skills. What I have seen is that most of the times we fare worse than some of our peers who are more or less in the same boat as us.

We start off at the same rung in the corporate ladder, make similar moves, are butt of miming in office parties, and are always the last ones to be picked up in any offsite team tasks. Yet we see the guy on the right side of the bell-curve in increments, though bunged in the same executive band. He may share the same designation as us, but his perks are always a tad bit higher than ours.

I couldn't fathom the reason-why till a while ago. Now I am an enlightened soul. Here's why.

Once when Mulla Nasruddin emerged from the mosque after prayers, he tumbled upon a beggar sitting on the steps soliciting alms. The beggar looked supremely overconfident with an air of superiority bordering on insolence about him. He neither lifted his begging bowl, nor thrust forth an upturned palm. He merely glanced at MN and turned his eyes studying his bowl. He seemed well fed and as far as the eye could make out was pleasantly clothed.

MN's curiosity was tickled and he proceeded to hold the following conversation with him:

MN: Are you extravagant?

Supremely overconfident beggar (SOB): Yes, MN

MN: Do you like sitting around drinking coffee and smoking?

SOB: Yes, frequently.

MN: I suppose you like to spend on pampering yourself with regular baths, maybe amuse yourself, even, by drinking with friends.

SOB: Yes I like all those things.

MN reached into his pocket, fished out a gold coin and dropping it carefully in the SOB's bowl moved on, his pious deed for the day done.

A few steps further down, he practically stumbled on another mendicant, flea-infested one with disheveled hair, a personification of meek dejection and abject surrender. What a study in contrast!

A similar but substantively different conversation followed between the two.

Study in contrast (SIC): "Good day to you sir, may god shower his blessings from heaven unto you and may you and your family prosper for generations to come".

MN: Are you extravagant?

SIC: No, sir

MN: Do you like sitting around drinking coffee and smoking?

SIC: No, Sir, I have no such vices.

MN: I suppose you like to spend on pampering yourself with regular baths, maybe amuse yourself, even, by drinking with friends.

SIC: No, Sir, I want to only live meagerly and to pray and lead a life of piety.

MN tossed a small copper coin into the largely empty bowl of the SIC.

"But why", wailed the pitiful soul, "do you give me, an economical and pious man, a penny, when you give that extravagant fellow a sovereign?"

"Ah my friend", replied MN, "his needs are greater than yours".

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I don't know what you gathered from the story, but it sure did open my eyes.

Stock phrases like "Job satisfaction, challenges, learning opportunities, great organization, and terrific boss" will push one into the realms of pious and economical living.

Anybody who has it in them to dole out largesse, and hear those coming from you will see your needs as basic in nature. A mere sustenance pay-package should do the trick for you, they infer to your detriment.

On the other hand, if you look, act and spend like a million bucks, then its incumbent upon the donor to help you keep up with your lifestyle. Even more so, if the donor himself is into such extravagant lifestyle, he knows better than to deprive you of such essentials in life.

Now that the realization has dawned upon me, I am saving every bit of copper that comes my way to be able to afford a good barber's service, a refreshing bath and a hearty meal. For, now that I know what it takes, I am determined to live life king-size and choose the denomination that comes my way.

So here's to a new beg-inning.